Stand
Up
Ladies and gentlemen to-night I'm going
to talk about the super-bug... the flesh-eating super-bug, I've been thinking
about it... in science we're used to the remarkable feat of fleas jumping..
eh.. hundred times the distance of.. um.. their size... which would mean
that. . em.. if a human being was to jump the same as a flea they they'd..
eh.. jump up to the moon. So..,..eh.. what about this super-bug it.. eh..
obviously.. eh.. has been spotted in Scotland, in London, in Gloucestershire..
What a stupid name: Gloucestershire... anyway.. now we.. eh.. at least
we can spell it. So, OK, you.. we.. eh.. know what a super-bug looks like..
em.. this is the flesh-eating super-bug I'm talking about.. the one that
.. eh.. escaped.. from Bosnia.. 'cos all the trouble's in Bosnia right
now, isn't it?.. or is it Rwwwwwanda? ... Anyway, you've seen pictures
of this super-bug... it has.. ahm.. sort of eight legs.. ah.. a sort of
lift elevator inside its chest.. that sort of.. uh.. lands.. on your chest...
and.. um.. anyway.. uh.. I reckon we call in NASA now, right? Astronauts,
I think.. uh.. that's what we need.. uhm.. obviously Reagan.. ah.. the..
star-wars.. you know.. I mean.. God.. I mean.. If the Russians aren't there,
at least they can protect us from the super-bug.. Anyway, further as to
bugs.. I think.. the problem with Nixon's.. em.. when.. the bug in.. em..
the Watergate.. you know.. the real problem with the bug.. was that.. eh..
when you turned it on you could hear Nixon's voice.. coming into the..
uh.. the Democratic.. ehm.. building. And that's how they.. they.. they
figured it was Nixon. And that's the problem with bugs.. uh.. I mean..
You know what else really bugs me? Well, you know in.. ah.. in homage to
Lenny Bruce.. ahm.. remember he says.. "Jesus, Jacqueline Kennedy, you
know, she, she was, getting out, they say she was getting out of the car,
she was getting out of the car, to.. to get help. To get help, now.. You
know, I know, a.. bullet goes into the guy beside you.. You're not going
out to get help.. you're.. you're just trying to get the hell out of there!"
That was.. eh.. a little.. eh.. homage to.. eh.. Lenny Bruce. It seems
fitting. And on the subject of Jackie.. Jackie Kennedy.. The Kennedy's
important, right?.. And Jackie's 300 million.. you know.. she left 300
million.. What was she doing? ..eh. Was she going to buy a dress? ..you
know.. eh.. "All I need is 5 more million, then I can buy that dress"..
Anyway, it doesn't look like Africa is goin' to get it now, did you see
how many were.. were at her funeral? I mean, I'd a gone if I coulda raised
the air-fare.. 300 million, man, you know.. Well, you're not goin' to make
any jokes about her if she's your mother-in-law, are ye? You know how they're
saying about.. eh.. Jackie, that she was always looking so elegant and
everything.. ? .. Well, Jesus, if I had 300 million.. you know. . heh.
. I'd look so damned elegant. . Relaxed.. you know.. complexion.. good..
Yeah, we couldn't reckon on the super-bug, could we?.. huhu.. Hey, I bet
she was goin'.. "I know where my next meal is coming from.. from.. for
the next million years!" You'd be relaxed, right? You'd be.. eating in
'La Cave' every night! And what's this about that eternal fucking flame,
right? Are they trying to have us believe they drilled down to the earth's
core and then.. uh.. and then.. this flame is coming out.. at Kennedy's
grave.. It's.. it's.. uh.. piped gas.. Like everybody else.. and when the
gas supply goes.. wupp!.. just like when the coal goes.. wupp!.. you know..
the earth's gone.. ahu.. eternal flame nonsense, you know.. they trying
to start a new religion.. or.. at least.. milk us for a few more decades..
We're not talking Camelot here.. when they're saying Camelot, they mean
Humpalot, right?.. I mean when .. ah.. Kennedy....ah.. somebody just came
in.. came in and said.. "Hey, hey.. ah.. Kennedy just died out there!"
And.. ah.. somebody else said.. ah.., "What? What? They didn't find him
funny?" ... Didn't find it funny that he was.. ah.. uh.. going.. screwing
everyone in sight.. spending tax-payers' money to do it, right?..ah.. of
course the tax-payers are pretty stupid to be paying the tax in the first
place.. but.. ah.. hey, now.. that's another thing.. so, well, you know,
Lee Harvey, probably said.. uh,.. "Hey, this guy's.. eh.. screwing Monroe..
He's supposed to be getting,. me a job.. I mean I voted for the guy" Further
to.. eh.. Kennedy.. at least.. while he was doing all this.. he's supposed
to be.. he was married to the widow.. or.. ah.. Jackie.. you know.. anyway,
one thing you can say for.. ah.. for President Kennedy.. you know.. you
know you hear people say.. ah.. "Hey, he couldn't speak German.. you know..
Ich bin ein Berliner that's not right German.." You know, you've heard
people say that?.. Well, fuck it, I studied German for 10 years, I don't
see anything wrong with it.. The guy could speak at least one sentence..
'Course if he'd been in Frankfurt.. Anyway, back to the flesh-eating bug..
is it.. is it travelling on the underground?.. I think that's another question..
and if it is, does it pay?. I mean, God, do we control nature or not?.
. That's what it's down to, do we control nature?.. And if we don't, then
where did this super-bug come from?.. Did it.. which pocket.. which of
God's pockets has this super-bug got out of?.. He's sending viruses, now
it's super-bugs.. what next?.. the Flood?.. So, OK, something's going wrong,
going seriously wrong, we're taking too many anti-biotics, we're drinking
too much, we're not taking care of ourselves.. we're not taking care of
other people.. well, if we're not taking care of other people, why should
we take care of ourselves?.. well, well that makes sense,.. there there's
a logic to that.. and the other people we're not taking care of, they're
not taking care of us. . so there's a. . there's a collapse.. collapse
in the infrastructure of caring.. so, take care of others as you would
have them take care of you, that's what Jesus said.. Who took care of Jesus?
God. Right? And look what happened.. OK, so you can't rely on the big-shot..
You can never rely on the big-shot.. Did.. did the super-bug get Jacqueline?..
Did.. did the super-bug get Jackie?.. Was the super-bug after Jackie's
300 million?.. And look at it this way, I mean, do we leave this in the
hands of. . of the scientists?.. I mean, it could be they invented the
super-bug, they just haven't told us yet, you know,.. um.. eh.. they're
gonna tell us where it came from when they've found the cure.. And how
the hell are we gonna.. gonna catch this.. ah.. uh.. creature..? .. It's
got.. it's got.. eight eyes.. nuh.. thousand facets.. It can see us comin'!..
We.. we.. can catch it in.. uh.. a little.. uh.. metal.. uh.. metal sphere..
and shoot it into space.. What.. uh.. what are the aliens gonna say?..
They'll say.. "Hey, they've sent back our ambassador! And look how well
they've treated him, let's send them more! " .. Oh.. we're. . we're talking
death here, now we don't normally.. Iike to talk about death.. We can deal
with the super-bug but.. but not with death.. nah.. Iike it's.. it's sorta..
uh.. but eh.. it's funny when someone else dies, that's right, isn't it?..
It's.. it's funny,.. it's funny when someone else dies.. Why is that?..
Because.. they were probably paying a mortgage.. Now they can't pay it,
and.. you know.. bank doesn't get their money.. and they're real pissed
off.. and.. that's a blow for the revolution.. "We're calling in.. ah..
his debt now.. he's dead! he's dead! My God, we're gonna have to pay out..
ah.. death insurance! Shit!"..uh.. eh.. That's one way we can.. we can..
beat the banks, by dying.. Another way we can beat the banks is by blowing
them up, but that's.. that's too obvious.. that's too obvious.. and.. ehm..
that would be anti-social.. so.. you can do it by dying, because that's..
acceptable.. behaviour.. that's acceptable behaviour these days, isn't
it, dying?.. You can get.. you can get drunk.. get in a car and die, it's
acceptable.. as long as you don't hit anyone else.. so.. eh.. fine.. Maybe
the super-bug has come from Hiroshima, that would make sense, wouldn't
it? Japanese super-bug.. At the moment it's going "Fuck it, where's America?"..
I think everybody'll be happy enough with that... Thank you.
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