Chris Binchy

 So I called to Mick and we went on in to town. It was freezing cold and
clear and crisp. Half eight on a Friday night in October and every one 
around us looking good. Cigarette smoke and makeup and aftershave
and cans in hands and queues at Banklinks and taxi ranks. Friday night
full of promise. Mick was in a t-shirt because he doesn't feel the cold 
and I was in a leather jacket and we were both on a high laughing at 
nothing turning to look at girls, but walking on when they'd stop. Too 
busy and important for the likes of you, better places to be. So funny. 
Friday.

It was Friday with Mick and Andy and Shane and Rose and Neil. In a
place where you could feel the bass of the music pounding in your chest
and all you could do is laugh because if you didn't you'd sing or kiss 
someone. I'd just got paid and it'd be spent by Monday but I didn't care.
Worth every penny to feel like this now. Everybody knew what was going 
on, everybody waiting for something to happen. Buying rounds without 
asking because everybody wants more. Six of us standing in a tight 
circle looking around, laughing at nothing to look like people who have 
something to laugh about. I knew all these people. Handshakes with 
guys who I hadn't seen in years.

 'Looking well. What's going on?'
 'Hey hey. Not much. Not much. Looking well.'

Man. Baby. What's up. We don't really talk like this. Nobody does, but
still it was funny. And then Bronagh arrived out of the blue and stood 
beside me and started talking in her desperate eager way. Six inches 
too close to my face. She was with some blonde girl, a German who 
she met in Munich who was here as an au pair. Anja. She was all right. 
The two Micks and Shane moved in. They stood around her, laughing, 
talking, shouting, pushing each other. Pick me, no pick me, no me. She 
didn't know what was going on. She took the drinks they give her and 
pretty soon she was laughing. I wasn't. Fucking Bronagh still whining. 
She wasn't like this with the others. She'd be still there in six hours, 
waiting for me. I got Rose over and they started yapping  and I turned 
to Andy. He was laughing at me.

 'Very subtle.'
 'Shut up. Shut up. No matter what happens do not let me go near...'
 'You'd be lucky pal. Take it where you get it.'
 'I've been there. Never again. Seriously. I swear to God.'
 'Don't trust yourself. No willpower?'
 'None. I'm holding you responsible.'
 'Just lay off the drink for a bit. Get yourself a Coke. You'll be grand'
 'I'll do that.'

 Four hours and then it was closed. And I was keeping it together just. 
Half an hour of hanging around trying to decide where to go and we
bought a case of beer and started to head back to the flat. Fine by me.
Cheaper. Easier.  No effort. Sit on a couch, drink my bottles, listen to
music, lie where I fall. Shane was trying to get the German to come. 

 'You can't go off now.'
 'I'm very tired,' she said.
 'Ah come on. Just one more drink. Go on.' 
 He was pulling her along, gently. 
 'Just one.' 
 Poor thing. Bronagh came too.

 Back in the flat with Rose and Mick and Andy singing along to some 
old crap. Bronagh had transferred her attention to Neil. Shane was
practically sitting on top of Anja. A picture of drunken devotion, hanging 
on every word, waiting for any chance to make a move. She kept saying
how tired she was and he kept topping up her glass and asking her stupid
questions. Is German hard? How many people live in your town? Are
Irish men nice? Leering. She looked uncomfortable. 
 

 Everybody was fucked. Standing up to dance and falling back onto the 
couch, laughing, holding onto each other. Messy. It was getting boring. 
Another night with these fuckers. Nobody pulled. My money gone. 
Waste of my time. I was promised better than this. 

 Shane gave up.

 'You can go and lie down in my bed for a while,' he said to her. 
 'I'm okay.'
 'No seriously. If you're so tired why don't you?'
 'You're sure?'
 'Yeah yeah.'

 She stood up and just as she was turning towards the door, she looked 
at me. Half a second. That's all it was, but I knew. I knew straight away. 
What was it? I was pissed but I understood. Everything just stopped. 
She didn't even smile. I stared back at her and then she was gone.

 What do you do? I sat there. Shane was mouthing off.

 'I was so close. So close. What a fucking waste of time.'
 Bronagh spoke up.
 'She's not a big drinker. I think she's a bit lost.'
 'Fuck her. Fuck it. So close.' 

 A wave of energy in the room. The tension was gone. No-one got the 
only interesting girl. Sad useless bastards. But at least we all were. Yeah.
Well. Not me.  

 I waited a few minutes and then went for a piss. When I came back out
into the hall, I stood for a second, looking at Shane's bedroom door. It
was closed. I went in quickly and closed it behind me. The room was 
dark. It took a second and then I could see the bed under the window,
orange light coming in under the curtain. I walked over and sat on the
edge of the bed. She was still awake. She didn't say anything. 

 'Hi,' I said.
 'Hi.'
 'Can I get in?'
 She didn't move. Did she understand? Then she shifted over and lifted 
back the duvet. I kicked my shoes off and got in beside her. She was 
wearing a t-shirt and knickers and that was it. I put an arm around her
waist and kissed her. She didn't really do anything. I pushed her hair back
from her face and then she kissed me back, opening her mouth. My hand
went under her t-shirt and she started pulling at my shirt. I sat up and took
it off and her hands started moving around my chest, my stomach, my
back. She reached to open my jeans and I was trying to get my socks off,
bending my leg and reaching down. 

 Then light and noise and I didn't know what was going on. Shane and 
Mick had come into the room. Without speaking they threw back the
covers and grabbed me by the legs and dragged me out into the hall.
Andy stood watching. He closed the bedroom door behind them. They
bundled me into the living room and Andy locked the door and took
out the key.

 'What are you doing?' Shane said.
 I was sitting on the living room floor wearing jeans and one sock.
 'What does it look like I'm doing. Or not doing thanks to you. What the
fuck was that about?'
 'Bad form pal. Seriously. She was really drunk. You should have let her be.'
 'Oh what because you couldn't get anywhere, no-one else can. She was
on for it. I'm telling you. This is fucking ridiculous. She was taking my
clothes off for Christ's sake. Sorry. You tried. No luck. I'm perfectly
entitled. She was eyeing me up all night.' 

 I stood and held my hand out.
 'I'll be going back now. Key.'
 'I don't have it.'
 'Who has it?'
 A chorus. 
 'Not me. Not me.'
 
I laughed. I had to. If I got stroppy I'd get nowhere. I sat down and lit a fag.
 
'Is this how it works? If Shane tries and fails, that's it? Is this a rule I didn't
know about. Some fucking arsehole statute of the Mate Code.'
 'She's too drunk. She doesn't know what she's at.'
 'Bollocks. She was just as drunk twenty minutes ago when you had 
your tongue in her ear. Andy. What's the story with this?'
 'I don't know. I don't know. You're better off anyway.'
 'I don't agree. Can I have the key. Please.'
 'I don't have it.'
 'Where is the fucking key?' 
 I was shouting. They just laughed. It wasn't going to happen. 

 They gave me a shirt. Shane handed me a beer. Rose turned the music up.
Another lease of life. I sat on the couch and drank, knowing that ten yards
away was a girl who wanted to sleep with me. I smiled when the others
sat and laughed. Very funny. My desperation. Mick rubbed my head.
Not tonight for you, my son. Bronagh almost smug. All turned on with
nowhere to go? Yeah. Well no, not really. Thanks. They put on 'You 
can't always get what you want' and stood on the coffee-table singing, 
pointing at me and I just smiled. She was probably asleep by now. I 
went over to Shane. 

 'I need the toilet. Can you unlock the door?'
 Stonefaced.
 'I can't help you. Seriously. I don't know where the key is.'
 'If you don't do it, I can go in the corner.'
 'Go downstairs and out the back.' 
 He wasn't budging.
 'Fine.'

 I went down into the courtyard and pissed against the wall. As I was
about to go back in, I saw a ladder and a pile of paint cans across the yard.
I looked up. I could see her window. It was closed. I didn't even think 
about it. I took it and put it up. It was long enough. Fuck them. I was 
getting in. I climbed up and started knocking at the window. The curtain
didn't move and then beneath me I heard a noise. It was Andy, staring up
at me. I saw it in him straight away.

 'Don't. Please don't.'
 But he did. He kicked it and I fell twenty feet. In the air thinking this
is going to hurt and then bam and the first thing is no, it's not too bad. I 
didn't let him know though. I rolled over and lay still and just screamed. 
He stood above me, white.

 'What were you doing? You could have fucking killed me.'
 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You were getting in.'
 'You could have killed me.'
 My jeans were ripped, blood soaking through. Both my hands were in bits.
He helped me up. 
 'I just saw you and I didn't think.'
 
 We went inside. The others were sitting around, quiet. Rose was on the 
phone. The door was open. I could hear Bronagh's voice from the hall. 

 'What's going on?'
 'Your woman started screaming. She was having a fit. What did you do 
to her?'
 They all looked at me. My hands were sticky with my blood.
 'Nothing.'
 Andy spoke up.
 'He was up at her window on a ladder when I went out.'
 Shane got straight up on his high horse.
 'What are you fucking playing at? Following some girl you haven't even
spoken to into bed and then trying to break into her room.'
 'I was not trying to break in for Christ's sake. This was all your game. 
You started it. Locking the fucking door like I was going to kill her or
something.'

 A taxi arrived. Rose went out into the hall and a minute later Bronagh 
came out with Anja.Her face was all puffy and she was shaking. She 
didn't look up as she walked out. Bronagh went with her, staring straight 
at me as they left, a kind of sneer on her face. 
 
 Nobody said anything much. I went into Shane's room and got my clothes.
I left with Mick and we got a taxi together. As we were coming near his
place, I had to say something.

 'She was fine when I was in with her, I swear to you. She was perfectly ok. The ladder thing was only a joke.'
 He kind of nodded his head. The car stopped. He opened the door.
 'Yeah well you were fairly hammered. It got a bit out of hand.'
 'That's not what happened. I'm telling you. It wasn't like that. It wasn't.'
 
 He closed the door. 

 I knew it wasn't like that.